Module 2: Indicators of domestic violence

• Unexplained bruising and other injuries
  • Especially head, neck, and facial injuries
  • Bruises of various ages
  • Injuries sustained do not fit the history given
  • Bite marks, unusual burns
  • Injuries on parts of the body hidden from view (including breasts, abdomen and/or genitals), especially if pregnant
  • Chapped lips
  • Teeth knocked out
• Miscarriages and other pregnancy complications
• Chronic conditions including headaches, pain and aches in muscles, joints and back

• Emotional distress, e.g., anxiety, indecisiveness, confusion, and hostility
• Sleeping and eating disorders
• Anxiety/depression/pre-natal depression
• Psychosomatic complaints
• Self-harm or suicide attempts
• Evasive or ashamed about injuries
• Seeming anxious in the presence of their partner
• Social isolation/no access to transport
• Frequent absence from work or studies
• Submissive behaviour/low self-esteem
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Fear of physical contact
• Nervous reactions to physical contact/quick and unexpected movements

• Self-harming behaviour
• Unwanted pregnancies/abortions
• Complications during pregnancy
• Miscarriages

• Difficulty eating/sleeping
• Slow weight gain (in infants)
• Physical complaints
• Eating disorders (including problems of breast feeding)
• Fingertip injuries

• Aggressive behaviour and language
• Depression, anxiety, and/or suicide attempts
• Appearing nervous and withdrawn
• Difficulty adjusting to change
• Regressive behaviour in toddlers
• Delays or problems with language development
• Psychosomatic illness
• Restlessness and problems with concentration
• Dependent, sad, or secretive behaviour
• Bedwetting
• ‘Acting out’, for example cruelty to animals
• Noticeable decline in school performance
• Fighting with peers
• Overprotective or afraid to leave mother or father
• Stealing and social isolation
• Exhibiting sexually abusive behaviour
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Transience

• Observation of behavioural problems of a child or an adolescent
• Documentation
• Reflection on the observation
• Assumptions about possible causes for the child’s or adolescent’s behaviour (forming hypotheses)
• Involvement of a colleague
• Team meeting (collegial consultation)
• Involvement of the management
• Decision on how to proceed and agree on further steps of action

The last step, “decision on how to proceed and agree on further steps of action”, must be organised individually depending on the case. One possibility would be to talk to the respective child’s or adolescent’s mother and/or father. In the first place, the observed and documented behavioural problems of the child or the adolescent should be discussed. If it becomes clear that the mother or father could be affected by domestic violence, then it is important to have another conversation with him or her in private. Confidentiality should always be assured and information about help options such as counselling centres, anonymous telephone counselling, etc. should be given.

The cooperation with the mother and father as educational partners should be very sensitive and thus be secured in the long term. If mothers and/or fathers are not willing to work on the problems and make use of help offers, then cooperation with other institutions without the parents’ consent is only possible if the child’s or adolescent’s well-being seems to be at risk. Otherwise the school must guarantee data protection. However, it is possible to get advice from different help organisations by phone or in person without revealing the data of the family concerned. If the child’s or adolescent’s well-being is at risk, the youth welfare office must be informed. The child’s or adolescent’s well-being takes precedence over data protection. Also, for the clarification of a possible endangerment of the child’s or adolescent’s well-being, the youth welfare office can first be consulted while preserving the anonymity of the family concerned, to then be able to decide on further steps, e.g., to officially involve the youth welfare office.

You can discuss your own feelings, uncertainties and fears with colleagues, counselling centres or the district youth welfare office. Be careful and cautious with your suspicions to avoid uncontrolled actions by other people. Everything you do must be in the best interest of the child or young person.

Conspicuous behaviour can also have very different reasons: a child or adolescent may be in a difficult life situation, perhaps parents are getting divorced, or important caregivers such as grandparents have died. However, a possible cause for conspicuous behaviour can also be witnessing domestic violence or being a victim of domestic violence. It is always important to ask yourself the following: what is the basis for the suspicion? Are abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, or domestic violence the only explanation for the child’s or adolescent’s behaviour? Are there are other possible causes?

Example: physical violence

Alice always has some kind of injury – mostly bruises. The other children have also noticed this. Anyone who asks the five-year-old girl about it always gets new explanations and stories that all have one thing in common: apparently, it is always she herself who has sustained the injuries in her clumsiness. Sometimes she fell down the stairs, sometimes she fell off her bicycle.

But anyone who knows Alice knows that she is anything but clumsy. The teacher also becomes suspicious, because the explanations do not really “fit” the injuries. The other children tell her that Alice’s parents are strict. They punish their daughter for little things like being late. She is not allowed to make any appointments.

When Alice does not come to the day care centre one day, the teacher dares to visit her at home. The parents refuse to let her into their home and say that the child is not there. She then calls the police, who find Alice locked in her nursery, covered in bruises and welts, her mouth taped shut with parcel tape. When the police ask how the massive head injury came about, the parents explain that their daughter had run into the cupboard with her head out of anger.

Source: Handout to promote the recognition of child abuse and the adequate handling of suspected cases (only in German)

Example: psychological violence

Tom is actually quite fat for his eleven years. He has less and less contact with his classmates and no longer takes part in any group activities. It is not the others who tease him, but Tom, who withdraws more and more. He is frighteningly passive.

He also participates less and less in class and seems somehow insecure and afraid. When his transfer is threatened, the parents are invited to a meeting at school. Only the mother shows up for the meeting.

During the conversation with the teacher, it quickly becomes clear that she has a very distant attitude towards her son. She disparagingly calls him stupid and ugly. With regard to his transfer, she indifferently says, “If he doesn’t change, he will have to bear the consequences.”

After the conversation with the teacher, Tom meets his mother and the teacher as he is leaving the classroom with his class. His mother speaks to him in front of the teacher and his classmates, “You’re useless, I’m only in trouble because of you. “

Source: Handout to promote the recognition of child abuse and the adequate handling of suspected cases (only in German)

Example: neglect

Late again! Leo sneaks into the classroom and hopes that the teacher doesn’t notice that he hasn’t managed to arrive on time again. It’s not the first time that the twelve-year-old has been late for school, and he nods off several times during the first lesson. Books and exercise books: missing! Most of the time, he doesn’t have a packed lunch either. He has long since outgrown his trousers, his jumpers are worn out, and no one wants to sit next to him. “You stink!”, the others say.

The teacher is worried about the boy, who seems somehow neglected, but the mother does not respond to her letters. She also ignores the parents’ evenings. But when the teacher asks Leo himself, he always has conclusive explanations ready as to why the mother can’t come.

When Leo’s little sister, who attends the same school, is supposed to take part in a school trip, but the referral of the payment is not made, an appointment is made with the mother, the teacher, and the youth welfare office at the school. The mother does not show up, whereupon Leo is asked about her whereabouts. Then the boy breaks down crying and reports that the mother has been living with her boyfriend for three quarters of a year and only shows up at the flat now and then to leave five euros for groceries. During this entire period, Leo has had to bear the responsibility for the entire household, the totally neglected flat and his three younger siblings.

Source: Handout to promote the recognition of child abuse and the adequate handling of suspected cases (only in German)

Compile your observations and keep records. Systematic documentation of a child’s or adolescent’s behaviour, expressions and actions are an important source of information for assessing the suspicion and planning further action. Possible causes for the child´s or adolescent’s behaviour and further action steps for the specific child or adolescent could be discussed with a team at work and/or by speaking with a colleague. The observations and documentation could also serve as a basis when communicating with the parents and with other institutions/organisations, e.g., the youth welfare office.

Preparation

• Who conducts the conversation? Who is trusted by the child or adolescent?
• Which setting is appropriate (walk, conversation at the table, …)?
• Is there a room where a pleasant atmosphere can be created?
• How can I help the child or adolescent to make a good transition into everyday life after the conversation?
• Do you need notes and pens, handkerchiefs, information material or similar?
• Are there counselling centres for the suspected problem? Inform yourself.
• Put yourself in the child’s or adolescent’s shoes: does he/she want to have the conversation? Does he/she want to have it alone or in the presence of another person? Has he/she already talked about this with someone else?

Phase 1: Introduction

• Seek contact and speak with the child or adolescent.
• Use the child’s or young person’s language level and ask open questions (no alternative or suggestive questions). Encourage the child or adolescent to tell you about their situation at home. “Incidentals” that say something about rules and control can give you an idea of the child’s or adolescent’s living situation.
  • “How are things at home?”/”Many children having behavioural issues at school have problems at home. Is there anyone in your family who puts pressure on you?”
  • “How do you get along with your parents/siblings/other family members?”
  • “Is there anything that makes you sad or that you are worried about?”
  • “Some children are afraid at home. What do you think makes them being afraid?”/”Are there times when you are afraid at home?”
• Reduce tension by making your concerns clear.
• Agree on the time frame and the goal.
• Talk about the level of confidentiality, if you are taking notes, mention what they will be used for.

Examples

“You made a suggestion the other day about how your mother’s boyfriend is sometimes rough with her when he is annoyed with her. This is still bothering me, so I invited you to talk to me. I want to know if I can help you. What do you think?”

“I’ve noticed for a few weeks now, that you look very unhappy and often seem unfocused and tired in class. The other day, when I was handing out the classwork, you looked very anxious/ashamed. I don’t know how you feel about talking to me about this, but maybe I can be supportive. What do you think?”

Phase 2: Introductory question

• Think of a “first question” that marks an introduction to the topic for the child or adolescent.
• In the best case, the previous questions in the introductory phase have succeeded in creating a good atmosphere for discussion.

Examples

“I wonder if there’s something bothering you that’s keeping you awake. Tell me, what is it like for you to sleep?”

“I had the impression that you were anxious/ashamed the moment, I handed out the classwork, right? Tell me about it.”

Phase 3: Conversation content

• In this phase, listen actively and take the child or adolescent seriously.
• Help the child or adolescent to talk about his/her experiences, feelings and needs. If the child or adolescent does not want to talk, offer to talk at a later time.
• Treat statements made by children or adolescents affected by violence in a non-judgemental way.
• Strengthen the child’s or adolescent’s self-esteem by making clear that violence is never okay and that they are not to blame. Reinforce and confirm that the child’s or adolescent’s feelings are right. Support the child or adolescent in perceiving and respecting their own boundaries and those of others. A secret that is scary and dangerous, that feels scary or threatening, that can give you a stomachache or even nightmares, is not a real secret – you are allowed to talk about it, even if you promised not to.
  • “Violence is never okay.”
  • “It’s not your fault.”
  • “You are allowed to feel angry/sad/insecure/etc.”
  • “You may talk about it, even if you promised not to.”
  • “We will do something together to get help.”
• Believe the child or adolescent. Listen carefully and do not trivialise anything. Tell the child or adolescent that it is helpful to talk about it.
  • “I believe you.”
  • “I’m glad you came to me.”
  • “I’m so sorry that happened.”
• Support the child or adolescent in proposing their own solutions and respect their decisions as long as the child’s or adolescent’s welfare is not at risk.
• Support the child or adolescent in creating a “contingency plan”.

Examples

“The most important thing for me is to know how you are dealing with it. It would be nice if you could say something about it.”

“You say it’s your fault when your parents fight or your father/mother hits you/shouts at you from time to time because you provoke him/her. What do you mean?”

“How can we make sure that you are not put in danger if there is violence between your parents?”

“Who can you turn to if there is violence between your parents? Is there a neighbour? Does a grandma/uncle live nearby? Do you have a telephone?”

Phase 4: Rounding off

• Come back to the goal of the conversation, it must be clear whether there will be a continuation or what the further procedure will be. Coordinate further activities with the child or adolescent, if possible.
• Be sure that when seeking support from the child’s or adolescent’s parents or other confidants that this is done with the child’s or adolescent’s consent and does not aggravate the child’s or adolescent’s situation. Ask about the child’s or adolescent’s relationships with father, mother, siblings, other relatives, friends, and acquaintances. Cautiously establish contact with the child’s or adolescent’s family or caregivers.

Examples

“The 30 minutes are almost up, and it’s time to finish. What else would you like to talk about? Is there anything else I should know?”

“I’ve noticed that it hasn’t always been easy for you, but …”

“I think we had a good talk. Now I know what’s going on. Maybe it would be good if I asked you again, like in a week, how you are?”

“I thank you for telling me so much/ … for being so honest/ … for having the courage to tell me all of this, because it must have been very hard for you.”

“I will invite your mother for a talk as we discussed. We will also stay in contact.”

“I’m still thinking about what to do with the information and I’ll consult with Ms. Meyer. I’ll keep you informed on any further steps.”

Tips for difficult situations

Silence

• Accept if the child or adolescent cannot talk or wants to remain silent on the topic.
• It is good for them to know that pauses in conversations are allowed.

Conflicts of loyalties

• Respect the child’s or adolescent’s loyalties.
• Name violent behaviour, speak out clearly against it.
• At the same time, respect the people involved.

Secrecy request

• Never engage in secrecy.
• Remember: violence is a child protection issue!
• Discuss the next steps with the child or adolescent.

Preparation

Helpful attitude in the conversation

• Show appreciation to the parents. Remain free from reproaches and accusations.
• Always critically examine your own experiences and personal attitudes towards domestic violence.
• Question your own attitude towards the family.
  • “Am I inwardly aggressive towards the parents?”, “What could contribute to this?”
  • “Am I interested in what they have to say about the problems – or not?”
  • “Am I sensitive enough to their fears and can I understand why they would rather not talk about it?”
• The conversation’s focus is the concern for the child or adolescent.
• Start the conversation with the child’s or adolescent’s (and the parents’, if applicable) resources. It should not be so much about finding out what exactly happened, but rather about making sure that the conversation is as future-oriented as possible.

Preparations for the parent interview

• If you suspect domestic violence in the family, invite only the parent you suspect to be the victim of the violence.
• Collect and document what you or your colleagues have observed.
• Exchange information with colleagues who are involved with the affected child or adolescent.
• If necessary, seek advice from a specialised agency.
• Have information material, flyers, help addresses at hand.
• Think about how to deal with your fear that the situation will get worse for the child or adolescent if you talk to him/her.
• If necessary, inform the school administration, also to get “back up” for your further action.
• In an invitation, offer the conversation to the parents as an exchange about the child’s or adolescent’s development.
• Consider what you will do if the interview does not take place.
• Put yourself in the parents’ perspective: how do they possibly see the situation?
• Develop your own suggestions for solving the problem or take the children’s or adolescent’s wishes into account. In this context, also inform yourself about the various support options.

Phase 1: Opening the conversation

• State the occasion and the goal of the conversation.
• Talk about the time frame.

Example

“We have invited you to talk about your daughter today. We all want her to be well and to develop well. Together with you, we would therefore like to think about what everyone can contribute to this.”

Phase 2: Clarification of the situation

• Think of an opening sentence with which to start the parent interview.
• Do not bring up the topic of responsibility right away; from the parents’ point of view, this is the topic of guilt!
• Share your concern for the child or adolescent rather than focusing on any misbehaviour on the part of the parent.
  • “Do you sometimes worry about …?”
  • “She/he seems so depressed sometimes and we don’t know why.”

Example

“I have observed for about two and a half months now, that your daughter has changed: she no longer reports to class, seems withdrawn and has written a D in the last three tests. Do you have any idea what the reason could be?”

• Actively address possible fears of the parents and counter them with factual information without playing down the behaviour that endangers the child’s or adolescent’s well-being or making it a taboo.
• Name possible hurdles.
  • “I can understand why this conversation is difficult for you.”
  • “We can see that your child is injured. Let’s think about how we can make sure this doesn’t happen again.”
  • “I can see that you are injured, and I am concerned about you and your child.”
• Conduct the discussion with “open cards” and inform the parents that the youth welfare office may have to be informed if there is a risk.
• Try to take away the parents’ fear of this and focus on the help that the family can receive.

Examples

“I can understand that this conversation is difficult for you. It’s about your child and family matters, people don’t like to talk about that … I have to admit, it’s hard for me, too!”

“We are having a difficult conversation … You don’t know what I will do if you tell me there are problems at home … But I can assure you that I will discuss further steps with you.”

• If you are planning a confrontation with a suspicion of domestic violence, leave out the term “violence”.

Examples

“Sometimes the reason why children don’t do well at school is because of the home context. Is that a possibility? Is it possible that your daughter is worried? For example, about you?”

“It may be that I am quite wrong now. But I wonder if it is possible that your husband/partner is putting pressure on you. Is it possible?”

• Concealing or trivialising reactions are understandable at first.
• When talking to parents, please leave all interpretations and assessments out of it!
• Mutual questioning and listening are especially important in this phase!

Examples

“We assume that what your son/daughter tells us is true. However, the point is not to clarify what happened, but what should happen to make your child feel better. What can make that happen?”

“With what we observe, we are obliged to react. It must be ensured that your daughter/son can develop healthily. How can this be done?”

“This conversation is to help everyone in the family feel better. Sometimes there are situations where you don’t react appropriately. Now we want to think about how this can be changed.”

“This conversation is to help your daughter/son get better. We want to think about what we can all do to help.”

Phase 3: Finding solutions

• Collect ideas for further action with the parent(s).
• Propose your ideas to them.

Phase 4: Agreement

• If you feel that personal limits are being reached so that continuing the conversation is not possible, it is a good idea to adjourn the conversation to a later time.
  • This interruption gives everybody the opportunity to “reflect what has been said”.
  • Every conversation should end with the agreement to continue the conversation.
  • In the case of suspected violence in the family, it must be made clear that you want to offer help and support, especially for the child/adolescent, as well as to show the adults involved that there is always a way out and that help is available even though the situation is obviously difficult.
• Agree on specific arrangements and record them in writing.
• If necessary, arrange a follow-up appointment to check compliance.
• Agree on a plan of action that is realistically linked to the parents’ possibilities.

When do I not conduct a parental interview but inform the youth welfare office directly?

• Suspicion of sexual abuse within the family
• Acute danger/crisis situation

In cases of suspected domestic violence, you can contact counselling centres, youth welfare offices and other contact persons for support. If you are sure that the situation poses a high risk for the child or the adolescent, you must protect him/her, and involve the youth welfare office after consultation with the school management. Local and regional support systems have proven their worth in protecting children and adolescents from abuse and neglect. “Institutionalised cooperation” takes place through working groups in which specialists from youth welfare organisations, schools, the police, the judiciary, health and welfare offices, child and youth psychiatry, and the medical profession meet regularly to coordinate their actions.

Inform yourself through further training on this topic to reduce your own uncertainties and fears.

Here you can find further education and training offers in the field of domestic violence in the social sector.

The help that a child or adolescent affected by domestic violence and his or her family need is usually very complex and time-consuming. They cannot be provided by one person or institution alone. Cooperation with other support institutions is necessary.

You have the following options; whereby anonymous counselling is possible for all of the following offers.

• Stay in contact with your colleagues and superiors, especially in phases when you feel insecure. Conduct case conferences with your colleagues (possibly including the contact person of the youth welfare office).
• Take advantage of telephone or personal counselling by the police. However, you should note that the police are obliged to prosecute criminal offences. If the police become aware of a child’s or adolescent´s well-being being endangered by abuse or neglect, criminal measures must be taken.
• Contact the youth welfare office if there are indications that the child or adolescent is at risk in the family and the persons concerned cannot or do not want to seek help of their own accord. Here, too, you can first take advantage of counselling by telephone or in person. Youth welfare offices are not obliged to report such offences or to inform the police. Priority is given to the protection of the best interests of the child. In the case of adolescents this is often perceived in consultation with Social Services and counselling centres in such a way that individual help and protection concepts are developed with the adolescent’s support.
• Authorities or counselling facilities of independent institutions should always be informed with the the child’s or adolescent’s and the legal guardians’ consent. However, authorities can also be involved without this consent if the child’s or adolescent’s well-being is at high risk. Making the case anonymous is a way of obtaining competent advice without breaching confidentiality. Facilities in the field of youth welfare such as child and youth emergency services, child protection centres, educational counselling centres and a partner, marriage, family and life counselling service offer advice and help.
• School psychological counselling centres can also be involved in conflict management. They advise those seeking advice and can establish contacts with other specialised counselling centres.
• Health care facilities such as public health offices, paediatricians and general practitioners, children’s hospitals and child and youth psychiatric facilities have the important task of investigating the causes of health hazards and eliminating harmful factors. The opportunity to do this is particularly offered within the framework of school health care, especially during school enrolment examinations.
• Take the respective cultural background and the question of residence status into account in every offer of help.

Gabby married her husband Nick after a long relationship and shortly thereafter moved to her husband’s family farm. The couple was happy at the farm and soon had their first child. During the pregnancy Nick’s behaviour began to change and by the time their daughter was born the relationship did not ‘feel’ as it had before. Nick seemed withdrawn and spent long periods of time by himself. He began to remind Gabby of Nick’s father who had always been a stern presence in his life.

Nick’s behaviour became threatening and controlling, especially in relation to money and social contact. He was increasingly aggressive in arguments and would often shout and throw objects around the room. Gabby thought that, because he wasn’t physically hurting her, his behaviour did not qualify as abuse. Nick did not show much interest in their daughter, Jane, except when in public, where he would appear to be a doting and loving father.

Jane was generally a well-behaved child, however, Gabby found that she was unable to leave her with anyone else. Jane would cry and become visibly distressed when Gabby handed her to someone else to be nursed. This was stressful for Gabby, and also meant that her social activities were limited further.

Jane took a long time to crawl, walk and begin talking. Her sleeping patterns were interrupted, and Gabby often did not sleep through the night, even when Jane was over 12 months of age. When Jane did begin to talk, she developed a stutter, and this further impeded her speech development. Gabby worried about Jane a lot. Their family doctor told her that this was normal for some children and that, if the speech problems persisted, she could always send Jane to a specialist at a later date.

After a number of years, Nick’s behaviour became unacceptable to Gabby. During arguments he would now hold on to the rifle that he had for farming purposes, and Gabby found this very threatening. On a number of occasions, items that Nick threw hit Gabby and she was increasingly afraid for their daughter. Gabby decided to leave and consulted the local women’s service, who assisted her to get an intervention order against Nick.

Once Gabby had taken Jane away from Nick, her behaviour changed. Jane’s development seemed to speed up and Gabby couldn’t understand why. As part of her counselling at a local women’s service, she discussed this issue, and her counsellor recognised the developmental delay, stutter, irritation, and separation anxiety as effects of Jane’s previously abusive situation.

This can be seen as a missed opportunity for identifying family violence. If the family doctor would have asked Gabby or Nick (who had presented with chronic back pain) about their relationship, about what was happening to the family, and specifically to Jane, the situation could have been identified much earlier.

The wide range of professionals, provider services and specialist agencies who may be involved in supporting victim-survivors of domestic violence can include—but are not limited to—primary and secondary health care services, mental health services, sexual violence services, social care, criminal justice agencies, the police, probation, youth justice, substance misuse, specialist domestic violence agencies, children’s services, housing services and education.

Adapted from a case study from RACGP (2014): Abuse and Violence: Working with our patients in general practice

Böhm, Christian (2013/2014): Kooperation von Jugendhilfe und Schule im Bereich Kinder- und Jugendschutz. In: IzKK-Nachrichten (1), S. 20–25.

Buchholz, Thomas (2011): Kinderschutz bei Kindeswohlgefährdung als Aufgabe von Schule und Jugendhilfe. In: Jörg Fischer, Thomas Buchholz und Roland Merten (Hg.): Kinderschutz in gemeinsamer Verantwortung von Jugendhilfe und Schule. 1. Aufl. Wiesbaden: VS Verlag, S. 93–116.

Buschhorn, Claudia; Rüsch, Detlef (2018): Kindeswohlgefährdung und Kinderschutz. In: Herbert Bassarak (Hg.): Lexikon der Schulsozialarbeit. Baden-Baden: Nomos, S. 277–278.

Violence against children and adolescent – What to do? A guide for Berlin educators and teachers (only in German)

Handout to promote the recognition of child abuse and the adequate handling of suspected cases (only in German)