Welcome to Module 3 on āCommunication in cases of domestic violenceā. In this module, we delve into the critical aspects of communication when addressing domestic violence. Understanding the complexities related to disclosure of DV, employing effective communication strategies, and crafting appropriate responses are paramount in providing comprehensive support to victims experiencing domestic violence.
Learning objectives
+ Understanding existing barriers that can prevent individuals from disclosing domestic violence.
+ Being able to implement communication strategies tailored to the specific challenges of domestic violence cases.
+ Being able to use screening questions to identify cases of domestic violence.
+ Being able to respond in an appropriate and empathetic way when faced with disclosures of domestic violence, ensuring that victims feel supported and understood.
+ Being able to understand and apply visual communication methods to enhance communication in cases of domestic violence.
+ Understanding what do to next when victims disclose violence.
1. Barriers to Disclosure
Individuals experiencing domestic violence may face various challenges that can make it difficult for them to openly discuss their situation.
Please click on the crosses below each term in the illustration to see further information on some common barriers:
Please remember:Victims of domestic violence come from all social, cultural, economic, and religious backgrounds with different age, gender and sexual orientation, including people with disabilities. It affects people from all socio-economic backgrounds and education levels. It is important to understand, that there is NO ātypical victimā.
Even though many example videos depict a female as the victim in heterogenous relationships, please do not be misled. Victims can be anyone, including men, children, individuals with disabilities, or non-binary persons. The same applies to perpetrators. For more information on perpetrators, check out Module 1. Also, domestic violence can occur between couples, same-sex couples, parent and child, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents or even roommates.
2. Communication Strategies
To foster a respect- and trustful communication about the experienced violence, ensure victims have a private spacewithout accompanying individuals (partner, children, other family members or non-family caretakers) allowing them to speak freely and comfortably. In general, it is useful to use āI-Messagesā. It can be used specifically to solve ambivalences in a victim during the counselling or in case of less time for counselling.
āNever assume and always ask!ā
The Royal Australian College of General Practitioners (RACGP)1
Please click on the crosses below each term in the illustration to see further information.
3. Screening Questions for Domestic Violence
It is crucial to inquire about domestic violence through screening questions without exacerbating the risk of harm to victims and their children. The screening process should commence with a framing statement to introduce and normalise the questions.2
Every effort should be made to screen in the victimās preferred language in case of language difficulties, and cultural barriers should be recognised during the screening process.
Pose behavioural questions that solicit descriptions of behaviour rather than solely focusing on the impact or meaning of behaviours.
Present questions in a calm, matter-of-fact manner. In cases where responses are unclear, briefly seek further clarification through additional questions.
Always express gratitude for the provided information.3
Remember: Explore different approaches to discover the one that suits you best, recognising that each victim may respond differently to various methods.
Start with asking general questions
Use statements like these to raise the subject of violence before you ask direct questions. Open questions should be asked to encourage the victim to talk instead of saying yes or no. Avoid questions that put the blame on the victim.
Good to use
āHow are things at home?ā
āHow do you get along with your partner?ā
āI know many people have problems facing violence by their partners, other family members, or someone else they live with. Could it be, that this is the same in your case?ā
Do not use
āDo you experience domestic violence?ā
āHas someone close to you used you as a victim?ā4
Framing the question
Create space for silence, allowing the individual time to gather their thoughts. Demonstrate patience and maintain a calm demeanour. Signal your attentive listening, whether through nodding or verbal cues like “hmmā¦.”. Validate the emotions and encourage the victim to share the story at a pace that feels comfortable for them.
Good to use
āI donāt know if this is a problem for you, but many people are dealing with abusive relationships. Some are too afraid or uncomfortable to bring it up themselves, so Iāve started asking about it routinely.ā5
āViolence affects many families. Violence in the home may result in physical and emotional problems for you and your child. We are offering services to anyone who may be concerned about violence in their home.ā6
Do not use
āI am asking you about violence because only women are victims.ā
Ask direct questions
Here are some simple and direct questions that you can start with. They show you want to hear about their problems. Depending on their answers, continue to ask questions and listen to their story. If they answer āyesā to any of these questions, offer support. Do not tell the victim it is not that bad or minimise the pain.
Good to use
āAre you ever afraid at home or in your relationship?ā
āHas your partner or someone else at home ever threatened to hurt or physically harm you in some way? If so, when has it happened?ā
āDoes your partner or someone else at hometry to control you, for example not letting you have money or go out of the house?ā
More examples
āHave you been pressured or made to do anything sexually that you did not want to?ā7
āHave you been hit, kicked, punched, or otherwise hurt by someone within the past year? If so, by whom?ā
āDo you feel unsafe in your current relationship?ā8
āIs there a partner from a previous relationship who is making you feel unsafe now?ā9
āHave you ever felt controlled or isolated by someone close to you?ā10
āDo you have a safe place to go in an emergency?ā11
āDoes your partner or someone else at home ever try to control you by threatening to hurt you or your family?ā12
āHave you ever been slapped, pushed or shoved by someone close to you?ā
Do not use
āWhy are you still living with your partner/family member who treats you like that?ā
Opting to reveal experiences of domestic violence is an individual choice, and DV victims may opt not to communicate about it for various reasons, such as concerns for safety, fear of potential consequences, or a lack of trust, among others. Professionals can act as advocates for domestic violence victims, drawing on their resilience and strengths.14
Description: The video illustrates how one should respond to a disclosure in cases of domestic violence.
When someone opens up, listen actively without judgment or offering solutions, giving them the space to express their needs. While you can seek clarification through questions, focus on allowing them to share their emotions. Use the following techniques to help them articulate their needs, ensuring a better understanding.
Empower the individual
The victim should be helped to identify and express their needs and concerns. Allow silences. If the individual cries, give enough time to recover.
No āwhyā questions should be asked.
Phrases to use
āWhen you said earlier that your partner/family member lashes out at you [or whatever behaviour theyāve described], Iām wondering if you can tell me what that means?ā15
āIs there anything you need or are worried about?ā
Do not use/do
āWhy did you do that?ā
āWhy did you upset your partner/family member?ā
Donāt try to finish the thoughts for the individual.16
Building trust and showing empathy
Ensure clarity in communication by repeating what the victim has shared to confirm your understanding. Reflect the emotions conveyed by the victim and summarise their expressed concerns. Avoid using suggestive questions during the conversation.
Phrases to use
āYou mentioned that you feel very frustrated.ā
āIt sounds as if you are angry about this…ā
āYou seem to be saying that…ā
Do not use/do
āI imagine that upsets you, doesn’t it?ā
Donāt look at your watch or speak too rapidly. Donāt answer the telephone, look at a computer or write.17
Validate feelings
Assure the other person that their emotions are typical, create an environment where it’s secure to share those feelings, and emphasise their entitlement to a life free from violence and fear. Validation involves expressing attentive listening, comprehension, and belief in what they communicate without passing judgment or attaching conditions.
Phrases to use
āItās not your fault. You are not to blame.ā
āItās okay to talk.ā
āHelp is available.ā [Say this only if it is true.]
More examples
āThere is no justification or excuse for what has happened.ā
āNo one deserves to be hit by their partner or other family member in a relationship.ā
āYou are not alone. Unfortunately, many other people have faced this problem too.ā
āYour life, your health, you are of value.ā
āEverybody deserves to feel safe at home.ā
āI am worried that this may be affecting your health.ā
Do not use
āStop feeling so bad, it could be worse.ā
āThis feeling will go away, do not worry.ā
Offer support
Assure you are not judgemental. Donāt advise things. Signalise that there is no excuse for violent behaviour. Take the victim seriously. Be empathetic. Appreciate the victimās experiences. Assist the individual in recognising and articulating their needs and concerns.
Phrases to use
āI know this is difficult to discuss, but you can talk to me.ā
āYou are not alone. Iām here for you.ā
āYou are not responsible for whatās going on.ā
More examples
āViolence is never ok and you do not deserve it.ā
āThank you for trusting me and sharing your feelings.ā
āIs there anything that you need or are concerned about?ā
Do not use/do
āYou should definitely get divorced.ā
āI believe this conforms to typical ‘men’/’women’ behaviour, and there’s no need to overreact.ā
Donāt tell the person someone elseās story or talk about your own troubles.18
Avoid confrontation
If the victim is not ready to talk about the situation, do not force it. Recognise the right time and let the victim know about it. Lay off the pressure.
Phrases to use
āIām here to help, and Iām available, even if I understand that you donāt want to talk about it now.ā
āRemember that youāre not alone. Iāll be here for you when youāre ready.ā
Do not use
āEven though you feel uncomfortable, it is better to talk about it. So please answer my questions.ā
Let the individual make their own decisions
Avoid judging the victimās ability to make decisions, thus preventing that she/he loses confidence in you. Encouragement and asking is the key.
Phrases to use
āWhat can I do to support you?ā
āHow can I help to protect your safety?ā
Do not use
āIf I were you, I would file a report.ā
Provide ways to get help
Let the individual know about specialist family violence services that can offer professional support. Avoid convicting or condemning statements.
Phrases to use
āHere is the number to your local domestic violence office. They can help with shelter and counselling.ā
āDo you want me to help you develop a safety plan?ā
āI want to help you (your child, etc.) be healthy and also safe. I want to share these resources I give to all of my clients. I give everyone two of them so you have the info for yourself and you can give one to a friend. We all know someone who’s struggling and may need support.ā
Do not use
āYou should definitely call this number and leave the perpetrator immediately!ā
āWhy didn’t you leave your this person long ago?ā
āIf you would have come earlier, I could have helped you better.ā
5. Questions that often arise in the context of DV
Here are answers to some questions that might come up when working with victims subjected to domestic violence.19
āWhat can I do when I have few resources and little time?ā
It does not necessarily take long, and it does not require additional resources: sometimes, one sentence is enough to let the victim know that they are not alone, that violence is never an option and that they can get help if they want to. Also, you can learn about resources in the health-care system and in the community that can help them.
āWhy not offer advice?ā
It is important for victims to be listened to and to have an opportunity to tell their story to an empathetic person. Most victims do not want to be told what to do. In fact, listening well and responding with empathy is far more helpful than you may realise. It may be the most important thing you can do. Victims need to find their own path and come to their own decisions. Talking about it can help them do this.
However, information (e.g., via pamphlets) on available resources (e.g., financial support, contact data of shelter) should be offered.
āWhy do they not just leave them?ā
There are many reasons for victims to stay in violent relationships. It is important not to judge them and not to urge them to leave. They have to make that decision themselves, in their own time. Reasons for not leaving include:
Financial/social etc. dependence can be experienced. Some individuals rely on their caregivers.
Some individuals may think that violence is normal in relationships and that all partners/family members will be violent and controlling, believing they deserve it.
Fear of an extreme and violent reaction to leaving.
Feeling there’s no place to go or no one to turn to for support.
Find more information on the dynamics of domestic violence in Module 1.
āHow did they get themselves into this situation?ā
It is important to avoid blaming the victim for what happened. Blaming the victim will get in the way of your giving them good care. Violence is never appropriate in any situation. There is no excuse or justification for violence. No one ever deserves to be hurt.
āThat wasnāt the way we were taught.ā
You need to add a human focus by listening, identifying victimās needs and concerns, strengthening their social support, and enhancing their safety. Also, you can help them see and consider their options and help them feel they have the strength to make and carry out important decisions.
āWhat if they decide not to report to the police?ā
Respect their decision. Let them know that they can change their mind. Let them know that there is someone they can talk to about their options and help them make the report if they choose to.
āHow can I promise confidentiality if the law says I have to report to the police?ā
If your law requires you to report violence to the police, you must tell the person this. You can say, for example, āWhat you tell me is confidential, that means I wonāt tell anyone else about what you share with me. The only exception to this isā¦ā
Learn about the specifics of the law and conditions in which you are required to report (for example, the law may require reporting rape or child abuse). Assure them that, outside of this required reporting, you will not tell anyone else without their permission. Find further information on legal aspects in different countries in Module 7.
āWhat if they start to cry?ā
Give them time to do so. You can say, āI know this is difficult to talk about. You can take your time.ā
āWhat if I suspect violence but they do not acknowledge it?ā
Do not try to force them to disclose. (Your suspicions could be wrong.) You can still provide care and offer further help.
āWhat if they want me to talk to their partner/family member/caregiver?ā
It is not a good idea for you to take on this responsibility. However, if the victim feels it is safe to do so and it will not make the violence worse, it may be helpful for someone they respect to talk to them ā perhaps a family member, a friend, or a religious leader. Warn them that if this is not done carefully, it could lead to more violence.
āWhat if the partner/family member/caregiver is one of my client, too?ā
It is very hard to keep seeing both individuals when there is violence in the relationship. Best practice is to try to get a colleague to see one of them, while ensuring that confidentiality of the victimās disclosure is protected.
āWhat if I think their partner/family member/caregiver is likely to kill them?ā
Share your concerns with the victim honestly, explain why you think they might be at grave risk and explain that you want to discuss possible options for keeping them safe. In this situation identifying and offering secure alternatives where they can go is particularly important.
Be prepared for such a situation and have a leaflet with respective telephone numbers (e.g., from a shelter) at hand. Make sure this list is up to date.
Ask if there is a trusted person you can include in the discussion and whom you can alert to the risk.
āWhat if I cannot handle what I hear?ā
Your needs are as important as those of the victim you are caring for. You may have strong reactions or emotions when listening to or talking about violence with victims. This is especially true if you have experienced abuse or violence yourself ā or are experiencing it now. Be aware of your emotions and take the opportunity to understand yourself better. Make sure to get the help and support you need for yourself.
Find more information on Self-care in Module 9 (will be available soon).
6. Visual Communication
Often, individuals experiencing domestic violence find it challenging to access information or support services. Visual communication plays a crucial role in raising awareness about domestic violence. Utilising tools like posters (e.g., with QR codes), leaflets, or pamphlets displays strategically placed in waiting rooms, bathrooms, and other visible areas is essential. Place information with support services in washrooms (with appropriate warnings about not taking them home if the perpetrator could find them).
These visual aids serve to communicate that the facility is a safe space for discussing domestic violence and make support services readily apparent. By creating a visual environment that openly addresses domestic violence, individuals are more likely to feel encouraged to speak up and seek help. This proactive approach contributes to breaking the silence around domestic violence and fostering a supportive atmosphere.
Remember:
Use inclusive visuals that accurately represent the diverse experiences of individuals affected by violence (all genders without stereotypes).
If possible, use information available in multiple languages.
Choose impactful images that promote a positive message. Avoid harmful visuals such as depictions of physical violence (because DV is not only physical), sexualised portrayals of victim-survivors, and images exclusive to specific demographics.
Click here to see an example Video on how this sign is used in a video callwithout leaving a digital trace.
This is an international single-handed gesture used to draw attention to domestic violence. It can be employed when the person in need of help cannot speak loudly, for instance, because the perpetrator is nearby (in the car, at home etc.).
āThe signal is performed by holding one hand up with the thumb tucked into the palm, then folding the four other fingers down, symbolically trapping the thumb by the rest of the finger.ā20
Leaflet
Distribute informational brochures about domestic violence awareness or local counselling services. Ideally, choose those that are in your vicinity and offer anonymous online counselling.
If it is not safe to give the affected person a flyer, it is a good option to create, for example, a business card with discreet phone numbers and addresses.
Other
Buttons signalise that this is a safe space to talk about domestic violence.
ā©ļø